FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

why the fcuk are you so nice to me.
you're too good that i feel ashamed.
you make promises.
and those are actually favors that i cant ask from you.
because if i do,that'd just be selfish of me.
you've never asked anything from me
and that's precisely why i cant ask anything from you either.
all this while,it's my fault
i've been too selfish.
you're always there for me.
i should've known.should've guessed.
people told me things.
i know them.
but i chose to ignore it.
and let things remained status quo.
should've kept my distance.
but i didnt.
sorry that i kept it from you.
that you have to hear it from other people.
i didnt mean for it to happen.
to let you know it this way.
sorry.

"I think she was afraid to love sometimes. I think it scared her. She was the type to like things that were concrete, like the ocean. Something you could point to and know what it is. I think that’s why she always struggled with God. And I think that’s why she also struggled with love. She couldn’t touch it. She couldn’t hold on to it and make sure it never changed. But sometimes it’s those things you can’t touch that you need to hold on to the most."
— Carrie Ryan

CHAMPAGNE SUPERNOVA

had been wilful.bitchy.selfish.
seen me at my worst.
tolerated all of my stupid antics and behaviour.
seriously.
sometimes i do wonder what the hell is wrong with you.
how can you even stand being friends with me
when i am sucha unreasonable bitch.
but glad that you did.
thanks my ultimate stalker friend tharma.

TELL ME GOODBYE.

i hate it when things start going well.
because it's like insinuating that it's the beginning of the end.
that's what i always thought.
i like to keep people at distance when we're close
not because i'm playing hard to get.
but because that's the only way i know not to get hurt.
i'm sick of this.
people are sick of it too.
some have left already.
so you can leave if you wanna.

BACK TO DECEMBER.

married couple having active sex life outside
MBA.
Married but available.
they dont call it unfaithful.
they said it's their way of respecting each other
giving them space.
so long as they still love each other.
uh might as well be friends with benefits then.
maybe i should try that.
next time and no involvement of feelings.
i'd have my father to thank for if i achieve that next time
i've known what's an affair.
seen domestic violence.
heard wails in the middle of the night
to find that either parents are quarreling
or mum attempting suicide
with knife and pills beside her
standing at balcony and threatening to jump from 18 storey.
know how it feels like to find your mother leaving the house at midnight
cause she cant stand all the shit.
and experience how it feels like when mother is in depression
and has to be sent to IMH
cause she's in delusion and on the verge of giving up her life
and has to take anti-depressants daily.
and you're a constant reminder not to get a guy with no job
gambling was how you raised me up
i dont wanna end up having to move house 4 times
and even had to sell grandma's house to pay off your debts.
i've learnt alot from you.
not to trust anyone in a relationship.
now i wont.
thanks.

ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END.

everything seems so surreal now.
i would never have expected this outcome.
this is like a second chance.
for the both of us.
i've hung on to the hope
that something more will happen
even after what happened to us previously.
and it did.
for that, i'm thankful.happy.
yet doubtful.
cause i can no longer trust you wholeheartedly.
the trust is broken.
i've once made a promise to myself
that i wouldnt give us a second chance
but i've given in.
and idk if it's good or bad.
you told me that even you dont know what are your thoughts
idk how to react to that.
cause i dont want the same damn thing repeating itself again.
especially more so that i've allowed myself to sink into all these the second time.
i dont know what i want now.

SOMEONE WAKE ME UP.

finally i know the answer.
but i dont know what to do.
you were hesitant before.
and you told me why.
but i'm afraid you would do the same thing again.